I was just thinking

We all have enormous potential. We al have some future version of ourselves that we're striving to be . . . eventually. But we do not have to be that idealized version of ourselves today. Pas du tout! We just have to be the best we can be TODAY! We are striving to have a better future, but in the end, what can we do than have a great today?

I've come to live by days, and I realized this morning that all the little things that I do day by day, to be my best self for today, will eventually lead me to that great self that I pray so hard to be.

I had a dream

Last night I was a teacher. I was in charge of about fifteen beautiful little children. I had a classroom and it was full of so many beautiful children's books. And inevitably there were parents hounding me down about - oh a number of things. I was my age too. They were asking me how long I'd been teaching and my response was "oh, I've been around for about a year." Smooth.

I have always thought about teaching. It seems natural. I remember a moment in Ms. Daignault's seventh grade math class where I had this flash of inspiration/desire to teach. And another time I was in charge of this station at a health something or other at the high school and a lady came up to me and said I had a gift and that I should go into teaching. And I love and adore kids.

I'm thinking that this was brought on my the fact that I saw some of my friend's pictures from her trip to kenya. They were in schools with the most beautiful african children. All my kids were white, but, no matter.

I've highly considered the teaching as a second language minor. I would love to teach. I would LOVE to teach.

I was thinking that I could help out ma belle-soeur in the winter in her classroom. It has been the most amazing thing; lately I've wanted to get involved. I want to join leadership groups and volunteer and engage in things that would technically fall under the "hey this would look great on a resume category." But I want to do it just because. It makes me feel so amazing to be coming round to this again. I feel like I'm settling and getting back to an old version of myself. It's amazing. I think it may have been slightly inspired by the lady at the Hollywood Bowl who stressed how great grad school is to Rachel and me. I feel like I can be like everyone and have plans and go far. Before I just put a thick black curtain on my future, and chucked it to the abyss of what inevitably will be. But now? Now this Rachel is going to do impressive things and become somebody fantastic. I'm still tellin' people that I'm undeclared, which I am, and sometimes I'm embarrassed, but I still have limitless potential, whereas they . . . do not.

Anyway, I felt inspired enough about this to write about it right after it happened and I woke up . . . and yes it is 1:00 in the afternoon. That's the way it goes.

photos via jonathon gilde [shelly's friend's] facebook

i've been singing more

you have no idea what comfort this brings me. My whole life has been spent constantly singing a tune. When I was 14 years old I got the "singing sam" award at girl's camp and it had this little dog with his nose up the air singing to the heavens. That was always me. And another time at a retreat I got made fun of for singing right out loud in the shower. That's just me.

But then I was quiet.

Perhaps it was the close quarters of the dorms that first brought it on, and then that wore off. And then this summer, I think I was just so stressed and meek that I couldn't find the heart to sing. But I've needed it. Singing just does something to me, it lifts my spirits and makes me feel quite good about myself, at least when it sounds good. The ol' familiar tunes that could always be found on my lips, that somehow drifted for away for a while have returned. I am so glad. I love to raise my voice and sing while I do the dishes, or while I'm at work, or while I'm biking fiercely to work to make up for having woken up a half hour late. Yup, I sing then too.

Sometimes humming just doesn't cut it, I have to let the cap off and let my little voice soar . . . just so long as no one can hear me.

Summer Chronicles[ish]: Sometimes I wonder

How is it that people find their lovers hmmm? I look around and people are holding hands and leaning on each other. Now, let me be frank - oh please let me be frank - most of these are individuals who I would not expect to . . . how to say it . . . be inclined to . . . they're just people who don't seem like they'd have a boyfriend okay?!

Sometimes I wonder, where/why the void lies.

By the way, I fell for three married guys at the bookstore today. Shoot. It's not my fault that they . . . are worth falling for.

Oh, and I was forty minutes late to work today, impressive no? Most people couldn't be forty minutes late if they tried. What can i say, I have such effortless skills and talents! It's okay, I just took my half-hour lunch break extremely early, and I'll stay an extra ten minutes afterward. The only travesty is - not enough snacks. [and can i just say how mortified i'm becoming at the fact that all i can think about at work is food - m.o.r.t.i.f.i.e.d.]

Well, considering I feel the need to chronicle my life on a play-by-play basis, expect an update soon. Too too soon.

I can't stand elizabeth bennett. Before, you know, it was always, "oh that mr. darcy, he's so full of . . . pride and . . . prejudice - but he gets over it {swoon.}" Nope. Come on, let's see reason here. That lizzy is just as full of it as he is. I've never felt this way before. I always felt I could relate to lizzy more than the rest of the sisters, but i'm kind of glad that she has dipped from her little literary pedestal.

Sometimes all I can do

is write. I get so many emotions raging around and they've got to come flowing out my fingertips. I am at work, it's true. And one thing that I love about the bookstore is that so many people pass through, especially when I'm here. It's great. And today I had the distinct privilege of meeting Mr. Nielsen, Stephanie Nielsen's husband from the nieniedialogues. Their whole family was here, and after directing them to the "Y" stickers, I decided that I needed to say something. I couldn't see Stephanie, so i went up to Mr. Nielsen and told him that I checked his wife's blog and that I was thinking about them, and that I bought a vaNIElla cupcake. Looking back I feel silly at how uncomfortable I must have seemed with incessant shoulder shrugs and attempts at expressing how emotional I felt about the whole situation. He was very gracious. He said he'd tell Stephanie, and he asked my name, and said it was good to meet me, and was so genteel. And by the way, he is smokin'. What a stud, he looks great.

What amazed me was that they were real people. I mean I always knew that, but I saw them, here, I talked to them. What they went through changed their lives, and I vicariously have felt of the difficulty and have been truly affected by all that they've done, and all they stand for. Stephanie is inspiring. I called my mom to talk to her about it (i had to) and she asked how she looked. I saw very little, but she looks . . . different than her old self, obviously, and you can tell that she's had skin grafts over 80% of her body (that stat may be wrong, forgive me, but still so dramatic) but she looked good. She was looked cute, and like she was living a normal life; looking at children's books with her kids and hanging out with her hottie husband.

At first I really wanted to talk to her, and tell her how inspiring she is, but looking back I'm a little glad that I didn't talk to her. First of all, I probably would have started bawling, I'm on the verge of tears now, and also, I would have felt bad. I'm a naturally curious person, unafraid of unabashed people watching. This combination could have been bad talking to someone whose face has been transformed by burn scars. I can't imagine what she goes through. Besides the pain and emotional trauma, just going out in public would be difficult. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing someone else - better or worse - would be strange, but . . . I can't even imagine. I felt almost bad at the idea being a normal person. I am so grateful for all I have, and I'm not assuming that that blessed family would be bitter or anything, but . . . I am so blessed, and I guess I just wish I could relate somehow. Empathy can sometimes be difficult when you have no idea what the person is actually going through. I've caught a mere glimpse at a shadow of their life, and I just wish there was more I could do than eat cupcakes. But for now, that and helping them find a sticker, may be all I can do right now.

{on a wholly unrelated note, john bytheway called this desk earlier today. i wasn't here. oh well.}

what to do when one's down

Sometimes it's almost laughable how bouncy my moods are sometimes. Usually when I'm feeling the most joyful is when I should expect the biggest crash. But to avoid this in the future, I've made up a little list of what to do to drag myself from the dregs:

1. put on some classical music

2. clean up my room

3. go to bed

4. take a shower/at least splash some water on my face

5. don't dilly-dally/graze!

6. change my attitude, I'm convinced that one's happiness is a matter of choice. I confess that sometimes I don't always make the right choice, but just knowing that it is makes it all better. I was talking to Rachel - my lovely redheaded coworker - who is very soon to be married, and she told me that she and her husband are not going to fight, they had decided. Granted, they would disagree, but never fight. And after making this known, and being shot down by some pessimist, a little old lady came up to her and told her that she and "ron" hadn't fought in forty years - it's not worth it to get angry over a little thing like socks on the floor.

That's one thing that just amazes me about the human race: we have the choice. We can choose our mood, and our opinion, and just by thinking it the whole world can flip upside-down . . . or right-side up in this case. How grateful I am to have that. 

it feels like summer

I love the tantalizing aura that the seasons claim. For instance today, after an all-nighter at my brother's house (coming home in last night's clothes always gives me a little thrill) I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, caught a big whiff and thought to myself "you know, today feels like summer." It's just funny, and mysterious in a way. Yesterday I was toasting away at peaks, surrounded by scantily-clad mommies and towels and coconut oil, but not until this morning, warm but as nondescript as any other, did it legitimately feel like summer. 

And it's the same with spring, you have to smell it, truly smell it before it really counts, no wonder what Phil says. Fall? It's that nippiness in the air. You breathe in and suddenly your breath is caught in the chill. Winter . . . well, that one is more difficult to decipher for this California girl. It think it's in the sky though. I want to say there's a winter sky that proclaims the change. Hmmm, I suppose I'll just have to observe the Paris sky to make any kind of real decision. I love saying stuff like that. I don't say it much, but I think it a lot. I don't think that I believe it's real yet. Obviously looking at my bank account tells me it's real, but still . . . 

anyway, image via 13bees - very cute.

loop and lasso

I'm feeling a little anxious, not sad or frustrated or angry really, just anxious. And the point of my anxiety is the inevitable: l'argent. Mais oui.

I'm feeling calmer just letting this thread go, but really, it's an elusive and sometimes depressing issue. I had so many great plans, things were going to work and I well, I was going to work, and everything was going to fit snugly into place, but again - the inevitable . . . NOT!

Anyway, I'm grateful for kind and supportive parents who will overlook my failings and still congratulate me on my "good (failed) work."

Worst of all, I was going to prove to myself that I could do all of this and . . . well . . . that didn't really work out. Usually my emotions are held very well on their little emotive-leash and I can reign them in or let them out at will. But, there are some exceptions where suddenly I am startled by the fact that my stomach is in knots and I'm feeling slightly woozy. Come again? Oh yes, I'm terribly nervous and frightened over what I have to do this evening etc. etc. 

And so, this anxiety man - what a surprise. I'm looking over job websites (2 in fact) and noticing it's slim pickings and that I do not have a letter of recommendation like I should, and suddenly I stop and take a deep breath trying to calm the writhing in my gut. Be calm. There is always hope, and for that I am deeply deeply grateful. I mean really, I have the use of my legs, I have a job, and most of all I have a loving family (emphasis upon the heads of said family) who love me and will always encourage me and support me in my wild whims that I don't necessarily deserve. 

So, I will do what I know I should and try and maintain the stamina that I have kept up for some time now. Yeah, that whole bit about enduring to the end, oh-so-mildly applies to this circumstance I daresay.

Anyway, I'm feeling better. A little. Silly emotions. I suppose I will simply have to whip out my lasso, catch my anxieties in a loop and take them for a joy ride to distract them with happier things . . . like a jog to DI, stretch in the park, and a soccer game with lots of hotties where I'm the #1 fan. Oh yes oh yes.

night minds

this is a song by, missy higgins maybe? and sometimes i think (well know) that it's true. i'm less rational, yet more creatively inclined. i'm more anxious to eat, yet usually less hungry. i'm more alone, yet less lonely - (poetic no?) but at this point, my night mind (and my accompanying body) estan listos para sueno.

Those Who Wander are Not Necessarily Lost . . .

This simple but up-front phrase has brought me comfort. I would say that I have wandered more in the past few weeks than previously in my life. But I'm not lost. I don't really know where that leaves me, but not lost. No, never lost.

I think I'm a blogger addict

Nah, take it back. I'm kinda sure of it. Even now, I can't get past the first sentence of this post, because I'm catchin' on the lives of those around me. Gah! It's pretty bad. But I love it.

I'm thinking it stems from my love of people watching. I just like to look at people, and think about what their life is like, what they're thinking, if they're thinking etc.

I hear that in France everybody people-watches, and that it is a widely accepted activity. I've often been accused of being too overt in my people-watching practices, and frankly, it's true. I figure if I get one good glance (or several for that matter) I won't have any regrets or patchy remembrances.

And so, back to blogging. I like to know what goes on in people's lives, and not for any creepy motives, nor to enlarge myself with a satisfaction of an array of blog-gossip, but merely as a testament to humanity. That it exists, and that it works beautifully. Human-nature is quite a lovely thing, and I kinda love seeing it in action, and being surprised, uplifted and inspired by it in this new wave of modern technology.

My what a flurry of a week it has been! All of a sudden the week was spent, and no posts to commemorate all the happenings. This is partially the fault of a lost camera-battery-charger, and not so much lost as misplaced. Nonetheless. Each day is a new one, and what a blessing that is.

It's a Beautiful Day!

Yeah, that was a sad U2 reference, but when the weather is this fine, what else am I supposed to do? I don't have any photos to post, they're all stored up in my head. I have been taking mental images all day, wanting to burst with how gorgeous God's green earth is . . . . especially when the sun is shining. No matter what else is swirling around among people, I think that everyone can find some joy in beautiful weather. 

Life is beautiful. Can I please say that . . .please? Oh how I love being alive, and I refuse to be accused of naivete and ignorance. I know that things are bad and difficult, but I don't care. I'm not going to live my life just to be efficient, but beautiful. That's what I am now aiming for in my life. The backs of my legs are itchy from being on the grass, but you know what? I want to cry because I'm so glad to be sitting on warm grass in the sunshine!

If you're feeling down, I would suggest going outside and being part of something bigger than yourself! The sun is shining, the grass is green, and there are plenty of songs to sing about what a great little world we live in!

Bonjour Paris

So I don't know if I've mentioned my little title as of late. Well, I've refocused.

 In one year I will be in Paris.

So, this readjustment in focus has allowed me to not only keep my title (hooray) but has also provided a goal to work toward, which is always good.

I will try and stay calm as I write. I read about all these amazing people that know and adore Paris, but I have yet to establish any semblance of a relationship with the city.
And so, it is in this next year . . . of magical thought . . . that I hope to develop an individual worthy of becoming part of such a place.
And to become a person worthy to interact with beautiful individuals such as these.

The Perfections of 3

It has come to my knowledge that in the Hebrew culture, 3 is perfect. There is nothing better. Surprisingly, I have found this to be a rather intriguing notion. Thus, recently I have been keeping my mind aware of bunches of three in my life. I have come up with the following:

-3 honey oat granola bars

-3 slices of pizza

-3 bowls of fruit loops

(all within a 24 hour period . . . woops)

-3 ticketed events this past weekend

(homecoming spectacular, Dial "M," and the football game)

-3 sign ups for online airline sites, for e-mails regarding cheap flights to NY

-3 hour test for CompLit

-3 days spent without my lovely roomie 

-3 hours slept in past the Homecoming parade I was going to be in (woops again)

-3 lessons I have not/will not teach for RS (due to various interferences)

-3 hymns played thus far in my new music calling

So perhaps some of these are a bit of a stretch, but even so, 3's are everywhere if you look for them. Just like goodness. I'm absolutely convinced that you can find goodness anywhere, even if it is a bit of a stretch.

Idees Bonnes?

well, i need to choose an intriguing research topic. it can be anything, with is liberating, but also horribly daunting. i need something that i'm already absolutely in love with, and intrigued by, but also appeases the "scholarly requirements" of my prof. hmmmmm . . .

An Interesting Notion

Sometimes I play the piano just to clear my head. Sometimes I play just to entertain myself. And yet sometimes I play for consolation. Not only did Litz play for consolation, indeed he wrote a piece called Consolation. I played it today. It did not console me. Yet it did get me thinking. How many times do we borrow someone else's form of consolation to temporarily distract from whatever it is that we really need consolation from. Don't we do things that other people have created and believe and hope that it will work for us.  We take someone else's word for it so often, and why? We don't have time to see it out for ourselves? We don't want to experience disappointment? Or are we so distracted, that we don't even recognize inadequacy and dissatisfaction? I don't know.

So I guess my point is this; I want every person to get out there and find out for themselves what it's all about. And find out what "it" is. Take every opportunity to improve yourself. Don't just talk about lofty ideas and ideals, make them a part of your life. Live your life to the fullest. Fulfill your inclinations. Honestly, why not? Don't just do what someone else does just because. Find out what motivates you, and do it. Make life worthwhile! And when it comes to consoling yourself, don't just take somebody's word for it.

32,000

That's about how many more days that I have left to live. Morbid? No. I didn't count 'em up to depress my days, but more to uplift them. I'll admit, I was surprised. I thought I'd have a few more than that {bytheway, I'm counting up to 80} and it got me thinking. Okay, if I don't think that 32,000 is very many, I better make each day up until that last one worth it.
And I am most definitely NOT going to suppose that I will die some tragically early death. No no, I'm a healthy lady {well=except for the 2 Neapolitan shakes and countless frenchy fries that I've consumed in the past 2 days from In-N-Out: not my fault.}
So, with such a limited number of sunrises and sunsets that I have left to enjoy, I figure that each one needs to be the best! If I don't make every single day something to look back upon with a smile on my face, what's the worth. And if that 24 hours is useless, I'm wasting the little time I already have left to do it all.
I'll admit, "it all" is a little bit broad, and I have a good reason for that: I don't know what "it all" is. But fortunately, I suppose I can spare a few days to figure that out. And isn't that amazing? Every single day has potential. Except for some very abby-normal circumstances, each moment can be profound. The frightening thing is that destiny, like everything, is socially defined; which means that we define our own fate. Frightening? Yup-it's terrifying, but beyond the terror is exhiliration. Wow!! What happens tomorrow is yet to be seen. I'm not gonna lie, there are some things that we can't change {like that fact that I MUST go to the post office tomorrow!} But the moments in between are wide open. And those are what matter aren't they?
I'm asking a lot of questions here, I realize that, but that's how you learn. I think the whole notion of "magical thinking" is beginning to blossom.

Disappointment is an interesting thing. For instance, the experiences of this past year of "magical thinking" have certainly brought out new ways of thinking in me. I have been more disappointed in the past 365 days than my entire life before that combined. Why? I don't honestly know. Granted, there have been some successes, yet I can't ignore the times I feel like I let myself down.

I suppose that it is a widely accepted notion that one learns more in situations where there is some opposing force to make one stronger. But frankly, it doesn't make it any easier to accept a let down.

There were/are things in my life that I had always held myself to, details aren't essential, but nonetheless, things I wanted to do with my life. They didn't happen. At least not all of them. I know that life isn't perfect, and that disappointments are a natural part of life, but unfortunately, they haven't really been a part of my life up until this point. So, I guess now is as good a time as ever to start up with some let-downs.

Thus, I will get through it, and not allow myself to be tainted by my self-deprecation. Most importantly, I won't allow it to get blown out of proportion.

"Life was meant to be lived, curiosity must be kept alive, one must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."
-Eleanor Roosevelt {this was my senior quote, and I still like it}