i've been frustrated

with so many things as of late. This hasn't happened too much the past 10 months, but the past 10 days, YES! I've been so bothered by things lately, and the worst part is, I just don't know why. I think that maybe I'm discovering what I'm wanting in my life, while simultaneously realizing that I don't have these things. Why? What is it that you want Rachel? hm? hmph. 

First of all, the head honcho lady at the bookstore put in a bad bad mood, which I'm usually not in. I've actually been kind of all over the place lately. I've been in really good moods, then low, then up and down. All over. Sometimes I just bemoan how lonesome I feel, and long for company, and then when I'm around people all I can think is that I want to get away from these people and be by myself.

And I feel so in between. H and L's ward is fun, and reminiscent of freshman year, but a little  . . . hmmm below par? I guess. Then my ward (how can i even call it that really) I have so little connection with. There are nice people, to be sure, and I like them all, but I don't belong here. I don't really belong anywhere it feels. I certainly don't belong at home, not now at least. And even the singles ward in Cali, not really. Maybe all of this is just me being holed up and unwilling to open up to new people and things, but I try, I do, really. But even so, no real connection. I went to this great dance party at a house, a real house . . . how I long for a house. Anyway, it was so fun, and I loved it. (bytheway we had to leave early on account of my brother's date, a point of conflict actually.) But, I felt like I could settle in slightly, but only slightly.

I read some Joan Didion today, how I adore that woman's writing style. It reminds me of Rachel's and mine I guess. She so up front and 'cool' as she is described in her book.

I'm currently listening to 'fallin'' by Alicia Keyes. I don't know why, but I just keep playing it over and over and over. And also, I've become re-obsessed with Gilmore Girls. I can't help it. It's getting a little sad. But there again, that show slightly resembles reality, a form of it that I can't help but wanting, a little. Sure it's overly dramatic and, well, fictional, but nonetheless. Why do watch such things except to live vicariously eh? 

I just feel like I'm kind of a translucent bit of flesh (have to press repeat on alicia) that is just kinda . . . floating. I take up space, but very little. I don't get in anybody's way, and I don't mean too much to anybody immediately surrounding me; self-inflicted by the way. I guess I just don't have anybody I like hanging out with more than myself. I guess that's okay, in its own way. 

So I'm going to try and stop going crazy for the moment. Try at least. I get frustrated more than any other emotion. I consider myself a doer, and I don't like not being able to do. It makes me a little crazy (especially when i can't 'do' my business first things in the morning because of only one shower, very frustrating, as one could imagine.) Anyway, my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I just want to be happy like everyone else I suppose, I'm just trying to figure (alicia's fallin) it out like everyone else. 

signing off, even tho' I don't really want to, but should.

~r