I understand that I ought not compare myself to others because everyone's circumstances are quite various. . . . not sure where I was going with that in fact.
I've been exposed to some refreshingly novel notions as of late. I'm always caught with my mouth vaguely ajar, and my brow slightly distanced when my mind is enlightened with an idea that I hadn't even dared to explore. But then I can't get it out of my head, and more prevalent upon my stage of thought is the nagging demand - why is it that that had never occurred to me? Am I not at a university where I am supposed to experience some form or other of enlightenment on a regular basis. Is it my fault? Am I simply neglecting those courses that would yank at your eyelids of understanding, to open your mind's eye to the ideas of this world? I mean really, don't I deserve to be exposed to radical ideas at college. Gah, I'm so sick and tired of every bloody person have such similar ideas that fit so precisely into "reasonable/scholarly thought." This blog is about magical thoughts n'est pas? So why in heaven's name do I feel like I'm either 1. still at high school, or worse 2. I was more enlightened at my public school than at this revered private university. There is diversity . . . sure, but honestly, in my two semesters, there was one day (make that two) that really brought out magical thought. Seriously?!
Let me tell you about them.
Scenario #1. Honors {supposed to be a very enlightened class yes?} English. We were discussing an article written by a woman who worked at an abortion clinic and she very honestly yet tactfully described the comings and goings of the clients, the process, the emotions, the clean-up, the repercussions, etc. What a fascinating piece of prose. During class, we were informed that this article was very nearly not included in the course's collection of essays. I ventured to ask why that was, and was given the most disconcerting response I could have imagined, (in fact i'm a little on the verge of tears just thinking about it.) Apparently it was too inappropriate, too much an advocate for what is wrond, too "not fitting into the curriculum." No! Please, please. The discussion that followed the reading of that article made me feel alive, like those billions of links in my 3lb. brain were getting off their comfortable seat of complacency and compliance and jumping onto a mental treadmill. It was exhilarating, and it gave me hope for my education. That hope has since dissipated.
Scenario #2: Honors (that word again) lecture. It was my very first one, and it discussed french philosophers and explored the concepts that define whether we're really here. Are we? How do we know that everything isn't just created to tickle our senses. The lecturer came to the conclusion that it is through our relationships with other people. The quaint details of human interaction stand as a witness that we are indeed living and breathing in a world that is real. We can't deny it. I haven't quite been the same since.
I just can't dismiss the hold on my chest whenever I think about how little it seems I'm exposed to. Are people nervous that if I hear a twinge of opposition that I will begin to malfunction and be rendered useless? Is the staff incapable of radical thought? Am I being to difficult? no. I don't think I am. I was always one who dealt better with opposition than most. Complacency pushes me to my limit - I can't stand it. I would rather struggle through something worth my while than sidle on by and make it easily. Don't worry, I've had plenty of work to do, and I will wholeheartedly admit that I've struggled in my time here. But the crucial point in this discussion is whether it was worth it? Am I really a better person for all I've done since last September. Honestly? Am I much improved?
Let's be frank because hey, I don't know many people will happen upon this flaming red corner of the blog-o-sphere, so why not eh? My expectations haven't been fulfilled. I graduated from my school preparing for a stimulating and challenging environment where everything that I knew would be questioned, then exalted, and I would feel overwhelmed with both work and lofty thoughts. Well, those lofty thoughts may need a helium shot because they drifted rather low to the ground. I can't get over it. Should my expectations NOT have been that high? I don't know. But don't I deserve to be overwhelmed with stimulation. Bloody hell* that's why I came here isn't it? To be enlightened to come back a new woman with all these amazing ideas that I could venture to share with the world like a bag full of feed, scattered among all the little birdies that I come into contact with. I don't feel like that. I learned things. Please understand. My little head has lassoed plenty of interesting data about the world around me and life and . . . blah blah. The worst part is . . . I love learning. Come on, ask anybody, and they can attest to seeing my face light up at discovering something -anything! But here I am, dreading the idea of having to register for classes that will get me closer to nowhere. I feel like I'm running in a race without actually going anywhere. Exercise is great, but what good is building up strength if it doesn't actually get you anyplace?
I miss the diversity. I miss hearing ideas that were so opposite to what I had always believed, but then catching a glimpse of reason in the words they spoke and then introverting, examining my own beliefs, then coming out with a renewed sense of conviction. I have missed introspection. Now in the gospel setting, I have enjoyed a great deal of looking within myself (especially in the last stretch of my life.) But I can't stand everything being so feel-good. I realize that we should "seek learning by study and also by faith" - I get it. BYU, you are doing and PHEN-omenal job of pounding this into the minds of your student body. But study and faith, though friendly, are NOT the same thing. NOPE! they're not. Please understand. I love allusions to the gospel in class. We're all very nearly on the same page, and the gospel is the most important thing in all of our lives, mine included. I'm a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I am so, SOOOO happy about it. But I've discovered that can't be all of me. One thing I realized when I got here and saw that that couldn't be my identity, because it defined everybody else too, and unless I was desirous of just becoming a part of that mash of individuals, I have to find something else to define me. I am also me. Somebody completely different. So STOP trying to shove me into a mold. Please. Don't assume that I'm another one of those girls, or even worse, don't assume that I'm NOT one of those girls. Frankly, I don't know which I am, but more likely than not, I'm neither. Please, just leave it up to me. I'm trying to figure out my blasted life, and I'd like to do it without too much gentle prodding towards where all the other cattle are headed. I'm not trying to disassociate, merely differentiate. And I'm having trouble.
At home, I was an anomaly. I was like nobody else, no, not one. And here, gah, I am a member of the masses. Don't get me wrong, please, I was really looking forward to blending into the faceless crowds of the growing future. But now, instead of everyone not having a face because they're all so different that they melt into a sea of indistinguishable diversity, everybody's got the same blasted mask on. I feel more lost than had I been in a place absolutely foreign to me. I get frustrated. I know I'm not the most original person. I know it. My thoughts are really very normal and . . . . boring. But how can I get past that if everyone is so so concerned with being polite, and reverent. Can't we shake it up a bit. Sometimes we all need a shake. Sometimes we need a smack across the face to remind us that we need to be on our guard. I feel like I've been drifting along. When there isn't an opposing current, our am I supposed to build up the strength that comes through resistance. I'm enjoying the ride, sure, but I can't help looking around me at the others pushing through tides of opposition and feeling a little jealous. I wanted to be shocked when I got here. I wanted to feel so out of my element that I wanted to cry, but through my tears I wanted to toughen up and exert with determination that I would, I WOULD fight against this and be strong. I didn't want anybody to be nice to me. I wanted to find it out for myself. Stop giving me the answers.
This is what I feel like; I feel like I'm going into a test where the teacher went through all the answers, and although it was easy, and I felt confident about the whole experience there's a lack of satisfaction. I love the perspective the gospel gives us, but sometimes I think that things achieved through a bit of struggle are more worth the earning. Yet here I am, floating.
I don't honestly think that carping about all of this will make a difference. And you know what, I'm sure most think that I'm being more harsh than I should. I should be grateful, and I am. I chose to come here, I realize that, I know. And that's one thing that I just can't get my head around. This was the only place I wanted to come to. I didn't want to apply to other schools. This was easy. I was accepted before other people's applications were even started. Did I just give up because it was easier. Did I not apply to other schools because that would have required effort that I wasn't willing to exert? I don't know. But I'm here, and I have been happier here than I ever have been. Sometimes I forget what it was like to be in a situation of opposition, the frustration and the restlessness. Maybe I'm just a discontent person who needs to suck it up. Maybe. Maybe not. I dunno.
But I have to get these things out. I have to articulate how I'm feeling, what it is that has been nagging at me that I refuse to give notice to. Well, here it is. I've been wondering what it is that I'm doing here. I've heard others say that it has been affirmed that they know this is where they're supposed to be. No such luck. I don't know. I've pondered since day one (literally, i can remember new student orientation thinking about it) what my purpose is here. No answers as of yet. Frankly, I'm kind of dreading the affirmation of what I believe the answer to be, that it doesn't really matter where I am. I could have succeeded anywhere, but this is where I am, not necessarily where I was meant to be, but this is my situation right now. Maybe that's not why, I just hope someday I can figure this business out. It's pretty tricky. But that's what it's about I guess.
If I can flesh out the most wicked part of the situation, I feel like only then can I find the middle ground, where I want to be. Which brings me back to the original point. I like to see both sides of things so that I can figure out where I stand. And I guess I feel like I'm just trying to cling to the wall of the one side of a cliff because I haven't got anything else to connect to. It's a little perturbing.
I can't be everything, I have become aware. This is very unfortunate for me, because I think I honestly always believed I could be. This is a big step forward, but because of my ambitious past, I have trouble letting go. But I realize that I need to move forward, I want to move forward. There is satisfaction in progression, and I have changed, and I am happy. But there are still some things that need to be resolved. Here we are, inconclusive, yet feeling significantly more relieved.
*ahem, excuse me.
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